Megan DiRienzo, the 35,764th Deputati Curator of Damforst Museum, has a dual undergrad degree in art history and online stalking, and a Master's degree in art education. She served as an intern and general lackey at such institutions as Columbus Museum of Art, the Illinois State Museum, and that living history museum in Dallas. She has acquired many notable pieces for the Damforst collection, such as the damaged Rodin in Cleveland, the forged Vermeer presented to the Museum Boijmans, Rotterdam, and the stolen Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum collection. The thief or thieves who stole the masterpieces from the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum have not been apprehended, and Deputati Curator denies any involvement. She was 8 years old at the time, or so her birth certificate claims. We're still waiting for her to show us her birth certificate.
Brian R. Williams
Damaged, Forged, Stolen Preparator
Brian R. Williams came to Damforst Museum from the Society of Ruining Art, or SRA. He holds a BFA from the Columbus College of Art and Design and is getting his Master's degree in Antioch University's Individualized Master's Program studying art crime. First as an Education Department assistant, then as a graphic designer at the Columbus Museum of Art, and now as an adjunct instructor at CCAD where he teaches classes about art crime and antiquities smuggling, he has witnessed first-hand how easy it would be for something in a museum's collection to be damaged or stolen. These experiences inspired his current mission to educate and inform people about how vulnerable priceless artworks in their public collections are, but claims no culpability if some whack-job out there takes the message to heart and knocks off the Met or something. Mr Williams single-handedly built the current Damforst Museum and archives, and then damaged, forged, and stole it. Deputati Curator DiRienzo made him return it to its former condition.
Associate Curator of Con/Temporary Art
Associate Curator Dayna Jalkanen is not listening to you. She is busy sifting through volumes of indecipherable artspeak, listening to self-absorbed art-star hipsters blather on endlessly about their latest New York gallery show, and staring tirelessly at minimalist color-field paintings, all in the name of acquiring contemporary art for the Damforst Collection. A native Clevelander, Ms Jalkanen claims she was at some lame indie-rocker concert when the Rodin bronze was bombed, but after some thorough investigation, it was discovered that she wasn't alive in 1970. At this point, her stories are just not adding up, and we're not sure what to believe.
Hailing from THE Ohio State University, she is putting her art education undergrad and Master's degrees to good use at the Columbus Museum of Art, where she is up to her elbows in snot-faced kids every weekend. But that does not keep her from her mission to bring you the best of the most pretentious damaged, forged, and stolen contemporary art.
Adjunct Curator of Stealth
Do you see a hidden word in Ms Jones' title? That's right: "steal." Ms Jones certainly didn't miss it; she's an expert at finding hidden things. She can also spot a phony from a mile away and has been known to bring the damage. All of this makes her an invaluable addition to the Damforst staff. And watch out forgers, thieves, and general pool-hall chumps: Ms Jones is trained in a variety of lethal martial arts.
Currently running an entire office in the Education Department at the Columbus Museum of Art as well as going to grad school, she brings her experience as an educator, art historian, and ass-kicker to the Damforst Museum to better serve you, the public. And how does this make all of you feel? That's right: "jealous."
Director of Marketing
Paul Richmond came to the Damforst Museum staff after his venerable collection of pin-up-boy paintings was forged by a Chinese eBay art forger. Now his sole mission in life is to catch art forgers with their pants down. Mr Richmond's considerable talents in being the center of attention make him an ideal candidate for this institution's marketing director. His goals for the Damforst Museum include increasing visitor experiences and gift shop revenue, wining and dining potential investors, and getting on "Oprah" before it is too late.
Mr Richmond is a graduate of the Columbus College of Art and Design. When he is not exhibiting his artwork in numerous galleries around the country, he enjoys writing about himself in the third person.